Dealing with trauma and loss - life’s rough stuff. No matter how well we look after our children and try to shield them from the ‘rough stuff’ of life, there will inevitably be times when they have to deal with loss and pain. At these times, even if there is nothing that we can do to make the immediate situation better, there are several things we can do to help our children get past the experience and integrate it into their lives.
children will have varying responses
There is no correct way for a child to respond to trauma, loss and grief. So, just as with adults, children will react in a variety of ways:
- An outgoing, bubbly child may respond very dramatically with lots of loud crying and be overtly upset. They may well need to hear about what happened many, many times over and have a need to tell everyone about the great event.
- A more reserved child may become quiet and thoughtful and go off and spend time alone to work through the information.
- Our strong willed children may be very angry the event has happened, be outraged that it couldn’t be prevented and seek to blame someone for it.
- And some children just take it in their stride and show very little response.
tell the truth tactfully
In our parents’ day and certainly in our grandparents’ day, children were shielded as much as possible from traumatic events and many people believed if you just didn’t talk about it a child would soon forget. As a response to our own childhood and the secrecy and denial that we experienced we are often tempted to go to the other extreme. We ‘tell all’ so that our children will never have the experience of someone in their life disappearing and then feeling that they cannot ask questions.
I believe we should tell our children the facts as truthfully as we can while being very aware that we shouldn’t overload them with more information or more emotion than they can handle.
We also need to remember that children are very literal and it may not be altogether helpful to use euphemisms to shield them. One of my more spectacular failures was trying to explain to my four year-old what happened at her uncle’s funeral. I was describing the burial – “As they lowered his body into the ground...” She looked absolutely horrified, held her hand across her throat and said, “Only his body! But what about his head?”
losing the family pet
One of the earliest experiences of loss and death that our child may experience is the loss of a beloved pet. One of the nicest ways we can bring some comfort to our child is to explain to that, although the pet may not still be around to play with and to cuddle, it's memory can still live on if we talk about it and remember all the lovely, funny and naughty things that it did.
Pet funerals, even though they may be very sad and accompanied by lots of tears, are a good way of helping our children deal with the reality of their loss and of honouring what their pet has meant to them. Some children like to pick a favourite toy of the pet’s to be buried with it and they may like to add something of their own. Make a short speech about what the pet has meant to your family and invite your child to say something as well.
Visiting the burial site – presumably somewhere on your section – and putting some flowers there may also give your child great comfort.
losing grandparents
We will often have to deal with our own grief, when losing a parent, at the same time as helping our children grieve at losing a grandparent. This is one of the toughest parts of parenting but our children are learning to cope with their own grief by watching us deal with ours. Don’t be afraid to let them see how sad you are but protect them from grief that absolutely overwhelms you. Children find it scary to see a parent completely out of control.
All families and cultures have different ideas about children attending funerals. For children under five, the length of time involved in a funeral may make it impractical for them to attend. At my late mother’s funeral, a dear friend offered to be eight year-old Deborah’s minder and support. Deb was with us most of the time but our friend kept an eye on her all the time and was ready to move in and take her off for a walk if it were to at all became too much for her.
lots of questions is healthy
As adults, talking things through helps us make sense of things. Once we have told the story enough times we have usually expressed our feelings, integrated the information into our lives and dealt with most of the trauma. Don’t be surprised that your children ask the same questions over and over again or ask you to tell them the story about “how Grandpa became sick and died” many, many times over. It is their way of integrating the information and getting over the pain.
write a storybook
Children can also integrate difficult information through story-books. One very nice way of helping a child deal with loss or trauma is to write a small story book about the event.
As in all good storybooks, it should begin with “Once upon a time, a beautiful little baby boy/girl was born called … He/she lived with …(show your child’s family members) at …(show your child’s address)”…and add other information that personalises the story and sets it in a happy frame. Add the names of people and pets important in your child’s life and describe how he/she is loved by them and shows love to them.
“Then one day, a dreadful thing happened…” This is your opportunity to put into age-appropriate language what happened - particularly when the sad event happened very rapidly. This gives your child a chance to catch up with the information he may not have been able to get immediately and to go over and over it until it is fully understood.
Describe the sadness and how people felt and then add lots of important memories - happy, funny and sad – so that your child can anchor them and enjoy them.
Finish the story with a positive message about how the beloved person or pet may no longer be physically in our lives but will always live on in memories. “Now, any time …(your child’s name) …is missing (grandparent/pet) all we have to do is think about some of the lovely things we did together.” THE END.
and the epilogue
Our children may want to read or have us read the storybook every evening or every time someone comes over or they may wish to take it to kindergarten or school to tell the whole class. Eventually, the trauma will be over and the book will lie neglected. Your job is done.
Diane Levy, Family Therapist
