You take your toddler to a new playground. There is a slide there with steps up and a nice gentle gradient. You help your child to climb up the steps, he grips the rails and then slides down. The first few times he goes slowly and cautiously. As his confidence grows he needs less help. Pretty soon, all you have to do is sit on the bench and keep an eye out for safety.
He has the odd stumble and gets the occasional fright. He may need to rush over to you for a quick hug. But back he soon goes, chuckling with delight at his own cleverness. He has discovered that wonderful feeling of, "I can". He is on the path to high-self esteem.
the clingy and low self esteem child
There is a second child at the same playground. He is gripping Dad’s hand and whinging and whinning. Dad is encouraging him to have a go at climbing the steps, but he won’t have a bar of it. He buries his head in Dad’s shoulder and points at the swing. Dad takes him over to the swing and stands there for ages pushing it. When Dad suggests a change of activity, he cries and whines and demands that Dad keeps on pushing the swing.
He demands Dad does exactly as he says. He doesn’t test himself with a new activity; he quells his natural curiosity and doesn’t get the thrill of mastery. He behaves as if, "I can’t". He’s not much fun to take to the playground. Dad worries about his self-esteem.
the out-of-control and low self esteem child
There is a third child at the same playground - well not exactly at the playground. He hopped out of the car and has taken off. Mum is trying to keep up and to keep him safe. He looks back occasionally and laughs at her. He is heading for big-kid swings and risks getting bowled. His behaviour is dangerous and getting out-of-control. He doesn’t get a chance to master the slide. He’s too busy creating havoc. He, too, is not much fun to take to the playground.
He’s bright and bubbly and no one is worrying about his self-esteem just yet. As he gets older, he is harder to manage and his parents wonder about how he is going to go at school when he will be required to follow directions. Later, they will worry about his ability to focus and worry about things he just can’t seem to manage.
what is high self-esteem?
People of all ages with high self-esteem develop confidence without arrogance. They know there are many things they can do. They are curious to find out about new things and to test themselves. They are willing to tolerate the ordinary frustrations of life and to try things that they find difficult. They delight in their own and others' achievements.
what is low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem increases when we convince ourselves that difficult things are too hard and we give up on attempting to try new things or tolerating ordinary frustrations. We convince ourselves – and others around us – that we can’t. Often, we really mean that we won’t.
how can I help my clingy child?
Often, we put a lot of effort into persuading, cajoling, bribing and explaining. Our child resists our offers and we wind up feeling exhausted, frustrated and worried.
The fastest way to help our child get over his anxieties is to be warmly supportive but otherwise unhelpful. A boring cuddle is great - sit with your arm around your child and let him watch and assess the situation. Don’t distract him with encouragement. Pretty soon, he will hop down and go near or even have a go. He may rush back for a top-up cuddle and, if you are supportive but boring (no words) he will take off again. He is moving from “I can’t” to “I can".
how can I help my out-of-control child?
We are often convinced that these children cannot hold still while we dress them, cannot walk next to us holding our hand, cannot see a younger child without exuberantly squeezing them in a bear hug and cannot see a sofa without having to bounce on it.
We need to start with ourselves and change our thinking from, "they can’t," to, "they won’t". Once we are convinced that they are capable but unwilling, we can stop accepting their, "I won’t," and move to, "You have to".
Let’s start at home where we have maximum control of the situation. If your toddler back-arches and wriggles when you lie him back to change his nappies, pop him in his cot until he is ready to co-operate. If he runs around and won’t let you dress him, keep him in his room until he is ready to hold still and co-operate.
Stop him every time he treats furniture like a trampoline. When our child can behave well indoors, the odds are they will be more inclined to behave safely outdoors.
Allowing our children to behave badly is the same as giving them permission. Once our children are convinced that we won’t give them permission to behave badly, they and we will be convinced that they can (and will!) behave appropriately.
what about the very reserved quiet child?
Natural reserve is very attractive in a child and we do not want to take it away. But we need to support our children to overcome excessive reserve and to try new things, enjoy new experiences and master new situations. Discovering that they can overcome their reserve when it is appropriate, leads them to have quiet confidence in their own abilities. In other words, high self-esteem.
what about the very lively exuberant child?
Lively exuberance is also a very attractive quality and we don’t want to quell this either. However, when our children’s behaviour is inappropriately unrestrained, it is our job to help them exercise suitable restraint so that they are pleasant to be with and so we can enjoy their company without worrying about what they will get up to next.
Discovering that they can exercise restraint and behave well gives them the quiet inner confidence that leads to high self-esteem.
And there is no doubt that having curious, enthusiastic, well-mannered children who are a pleasure to be with, is great for parental self-esteem!
Diane Levy, Family Therapist
